AAAGH REAL MONSTERS

Heya,

just wanted to let you all know that i have not died, just fighting the real monsters of parenthood, bills, and jobs.  Unfortunately going to be on hiatus for a bit...but stay tuned, will post again

BITCH SLAP!! what the writers should get

PLOT: 3 top heavy girls searching the desert for some diamonds.

CHARACTERS:
Trixie: The weak link, dumber than a brick

Camero: crazy, trying to play the hardcore bitch, tries too hard

Hel: the planner



REVIEW:
You have to watch a lot of crap to find the diamond in the rough.

This is not the diamond

This is crap, and coming from a guy into bad movies, that should be an indicator to run.

This film started promising, with an opening credits montage that wasn't bad. Then, the girls show up...cue over used slow motion tilt from knees to tits. Wouldnt have been bad, had it not happened 47 more times in the movie.

After the glorious slow motion, girls pop the trunk of the car and reveal a guy who looks remarkably like Sean Bean. From here on, the movie is a crescendo of incredibly painful dialogue, fights, and the most infuriating flashbacks i have had the honor of witnessing.

we will get to the dialogue later on. Lets move to fights. The one main fight between the women was actually well choreographed. Some of the hits looked like they actually landed. My one complaint here was the some of the kicks looked like disembodied legs flying around.

I imagine the prop guy with fake legs swinging them around at people. Thankfully there are quick cuts to keep you from noticing.

The rest of the fights, and movie for that matter, way way too much green screen. and the video used looked like they went to "freegreenscreenvideo.com". Or they had extra video and needed to use it.

The flashbacks do little to advance the story. They also have the most random time stamps

"4.17 months ago"

WHAT? what the hell is 4.17 months ago. I am here for cleavage and carnage, not fucking math.

QUOTABLE QUOTES:
not really anything worth repeating...however, i will leave you with a taste of the wonderful writing.

"they tried to fondle our num nums"
"lube my boobs skank twat"

The lesbian insults were out of control. It was like someone created an insult generator using as many derogatory and female anatomy slang words as they could find.


MEMORABLE MOMENTS:
Trixie the Stripper apparently has the same thing between her legs that is in the briefcase of pulp fiction.


BLOOD AND GUTS
Not really too much going on here either.
There was the bladed yo-yo, made some decent looking wounds.
A pretty well done head shot splatter.
chest rake

T&A
No Nudity, save for one background dancer at the strip club.
Lesbian sex scene, aside from being pg-13, wasn't bad.

RANDOM TRIVIA
look for Xena, her sidekick, and one of the dudes from Hercules

RATING: 1 out of 4 possible sets of cleavage
For a movie touting sex and violence, not that impressive. While bad dialogue is given in most of these movies, the writing here was definitely done by 14 year old boys with a list of vagina slang.

Welcome!

Alright, welcome to the Grindhouse. In the near future, this area will be filled with reviews of all things exploitation. For those who do not know, exploitation is a genre of film most commonly associated with the drive-in, double feature, and midnight movies. All the films that are cheaply made, and make up for the low budget by using tons of blood and boobs.

There are several sub-genres of exploitation. blaxploitation, naziploitation, nunsploitation, slashers, rape/revenge, sexploitation, plus numerous others. Wikipedia does a pretty good job of listing them.

For those of you who are just getting into exploitation, not familiar with these blood soaked grounds, allow me to introduce you to a number the the more common genre defining films

Ilsa, She Wolf of The SS

Ilsa is one of the most commonly brought up films when discussing exploitation. It has nazi's, blood, nudity, and torture.
it plays out like this. Ilsa feels that women are superior to men, and is determined to prove it by torturing women to show they can handle more pain. The men, she takes to the bedroom. If a guy can't hang, he loses his junk. Pretty simple. fulfill Ilsa's desires, or lose little willy. for the trivia dorks like myself, this film was shot on the set of Hogan's Heroes


Zombie

Also called Zombi 2, Zombie Flesh Eaters, and Zombie Island, among others. This film needs to be seen for almost one reason. Zombie vs. Shark. yes, you read that right, a zombie fights a shark. awesome

Other than that, it is a well done zombie movie from the 70's, including one of the best eye gouging scenes I have ever seen.


Cannibal Holocaust

Often listed as one of the most disturbing movies of all time. It is slow to start, but features authentic animal killings, and special effects done well enough to get the director up on murder charges. Banned in numerous countries upon its release, Cannibal Holocaust is a prime example of "Green Cinema". Movies often based in the jungle, and featuring native cannibals. Another prime example is "Mountain of the Cannibal God" featuring Ursula Andress.


I Spit on Your Grave


I Spit on your Grave is a straight forward Rape/Revenge flick. Plot goes something like this. Girl gets raped by a number of guys, Girl goes apeshit, kills everyone. That formula can apply to any number of films in this genre. Mrs. 45 is another prime example.





Caged Heat


Last Genre for the day is the "women in prison" films. The genre says it all. Some girl goes to prison, or already is in prison, suffers degrading sexual torture, breaks out, wreaks a little havoc, the end.

If you are looking for blockbusters, big budget titles, or award winners, these are not the droids you are looking for. If you want blood guts and boobs, stay tuned and soon enough I will have plethora of bad stuff for you to enjoy. In the meantime, dive into the world reserved for us freaks and watch the above films.